Steal this advice, part 3

Dear Abbie Hoffman,

I recently had my Bar Mitzvah and took my birthright trip to Israel.While there I was fortunate enough to spend time on a kibbutz and experienced socialized living. It made me feel funny and good all at the same time.  I experienced inside feelings that I'd never had before and had some really vivid dreams. I can't go into detail about the dreams because if my mom reads this she'll freak.

Do you think all this mean I'm becoming more of a man? I'm hoping that you might have some advice for a young Jewish boy who is trying to understand these special feelings and dreams.

Oh, and my little brother won't leave me alone about this, he wants me to ask you for him if you think cowboys like lollipops...He's so dumb.

Thanks for your time.

-New And A Little Confused

Dear NAALC,

Mazel tov! I see Judaism as a way of life. Sticking up for the underdog. Being an outsider. A critic of society. The kid on the corner who says the emperor has no clothes on. The Prophet.

As for those funny feelings and vivid dreams, I’m not sure if you’re talking about sex or drugs. If you’ve started smoking grass or whatnot, that’s fine, but all you kiddies remember to lay off the needle drugs; the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon, or since he’s gone, maybe one of those Tea Party guys.

Anyway, the '60s are gone, dope will never be as cheap, sex never as free, and the rock and roll never as great.

Hang in there,

Abbie

P.S. Tell your brother that everybody likes lollipops, even Julius Hoffman.

Steal this advice, part 2

Finally, Abbie gets a question from a real reader! (Not that those other questions from readers were fake... um, uh, look over there at that thing!) -Ed.



Dear Abbie Hoffman,

I am an urban dwelling Midwestern liberal homeowner in a multi-unit condo building in Chicago. Eight months ago, the unit downstairs from me from me sold to a middle aged couple who turn out to be supporters of the Tea-Party. The whole building found this out after they moved in.

During an association meeting they began to question the relevance of being charged an assessment every month to help toward the maintenance, upkeep and well being of the building. They feel that they haven't seen any major improvement in the building in the short time they lived there or any improvement in the "quality" of any of the new homeowners who moved in after them.

As the condo association President and an American born minority I am having great difficulty in getting them to understand that I'm not a "benevolent dictator" that directs their assessment fees into affordable housing and real estate growth opportunities to "border jumpers". All of us are gainfully employed professionals in diverse fields who take great pride in the place that we live.

Why are they in the city of Chicago living among us? How should I go about explaining to them that assessment fees are for the steady upkeep of the place that we live? I get called "socialist" when I attempt to explain that these fees help us all live harmoniously in a quality environment and that major changes to the building should happen incrementally and require great pragmatism.

- Why Do They Always Find Me

p.s. All words in quotes belong to them.



Dear Why,

You measure a democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists. Maybe your new brother and sister have a point about the way you do things. QUESTION EVERYTHING.

If, however, you truly believe they are not living up to their responsibilities as citizens of your community, remember this: The key to organizing an alternative society is to organize people around what they can do, and more importantly, what they want to do. Maybe Mr. and Mrs. Tea Party enjoy working in the yard. Ask them to cut the grass (but not smoke it all!), plant your garden, maintain the compost pile, etc. instead of paying association fees.

By the way, I have many fond memories of your hometown.

Yours truly,
Abbie

Steal this advice

Last night while I was in bed, half asleep, a great title came to me: Dear Abbie Hoffman. On a lark, I posted it on Facebook and then got inspired to write a few letters, using actual quotes from Abbie for the answers. Here are the first efforts; who knows, there may be more sometime.

Dear Abbie Hoffman,

I am an editor of my high school's newspaper. The principal is trying to prevent us from running an editorial that criticizes his position on gay bullying. What should we do?

-First Amended

Sweet FA,

Remind your principal that free speech means the right to shout "theatre" in a crowded fire. But also remember that you should never impose your language on people you wish to reach.

Your pal,

Abbie

***

Dear Abbie Hoffman,

It is almost Thanksgiving. I know most people look forward to the holiday, but for me it's a source of anxiety. I am a vegetarian and my father is a die-hard meat-and-potatoes guy. How do I maintain peace at the dinner table without compromising my principles?

-Vexed Veggie

Dearest Vexed,

I believe in compulsory cannibalism. If people were forced to eat what they killed, there would be no more wars.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Abbie

***

Dear Abbie Hoffman,

What is with all the women who wear slutty Halloween costumes? I went to a party last weekend and I was the only female there who wore something scary. Isn’t Halloween the time to put vanity aside and go for something ghoulish?

-Scary Monster

Look baby,

Once you get the right image the details aren't that important. Take it from me: I was probably the only revolutionary referred to as cute.

Abbie H.

***

Dear Abbie Hoffman,

I work in a professional downtown office. One of my co-workers (I’ll call him Steve) has a problem with body odor. Steve works hard, is personable, and even dresses well. Since he otherwise seems well groomed, I wonder if his odor problem is due to faulty deodorant, a health issue, or something else beyond his control. Unfortunately, his desk is near mine and I find his pungent aroma distracting to say the least. Should I say something?

-This Job Stinks


Dear TJS,

When decorum is repression, the only dignity free men have is to speak out. Maybe you can offer Steve some patchouli.

Good luck,
Sweet-Smelling Abbie