They know us too well

Tourists think Chicagoans are ugly, surly, and dumb.

Yes lady, you may rob me

Stopped in an odd little antiques shop in the 'hood today. Their hours sign actually says something like, "When furniture is on sidewalk, we're open." There was furniture on the sidewalk, so in I went. There was a vase in the window I'd been eyeing for awhile, so I asked how much it was. The owner was looking for a price (and I don't know why, but half the junk in there doesn't have a sticker). I noticed a sticker on the lip and pointed it out. "So, it's $15?" I asked.

She hesitated a minute, then started picking the sticker off and said, "That's how much I paid for it, so obviously it will have to be more." Then she tried to sell it to me for $30. A 100% markup! Is she totally insane? You don't take a price sticker off something then try to double its price. I think I'm done with that lunatic, although she does have some Tiki salt and pepper shakers for $2.50. Well, unless that was the price she paid for them or something.

I enjoy being a girl

I did a little shopping this morning. Jesus, was that traumatic. I had a gift card to Target so I hit it in hopes of finding some decent underwear and/or a dress or two. First off, why are so many of the bras these days padded to high heaven? As a friend of mine once said, that's false advertising. It's enough of a struggle to find something attractive, affordable, the right size, without boobs already in it, but as I grow older the other challenge is finding one that doesn't highlight my back fat. I tried on a few, all rejects, and a dress, which confirmed the two new trends at Target: the dresses are getting more expensive and more cheaply made at the same time. Yet again, I found a dress on which the zipper stuck on the waistline, where the fabric gets thicker. Apparently, the slaves in Pakistan that make these clothes for five cents a day aren't the best seamstreses... imagine. Tally: 1 bra (grabbed without trying on, and luckily it fits), 3 pairs of underpants, 1 pair of black tights, 1 hair gel. Not bad.

I decided to hit the mall while I was out, and I had better luck at Kohl's, where I got a great black dress for $20. I tried on a couple of others that looked great on the rack, but on an actual body looked like they were made for space aliens. One of them had a belt that fit right under your breasts. A boob belt. Why do such things exist? Tally: 1 black dress. Not good in terms of pieces, but, at $20, very good bargain-wise.

If you're already in the stupid mall in Lincolnwood, why not go to Carson's, right? They had some work-appropriate skirts (although, truth be told, at my job you could get away with wearing sweatpants), but there were two major problems: 1) no black ones, 2) they were "slimming" skirts. Yeah, I guess there's some sort of built-in control top or something, which, on a skirt, is just awful. I also tried on a few bras at Carson's and picked up a new boyfriend, Connor. I think he's three or four years old. He was with his mom in the dressing room next to mine and kept popping his head under the wall to see me topless. Little fucker. Tally: 0 purchases, 1 peepshow performed for underage male.