Bizarro world

On Sunday I ventured out to the beloved Davis Theater to see New Moon with a friend. More about that later, because prior to the movie I saw something really weirdly amusing. There's a realtor who handles a lot of properties in my neighborhood. I won't divulge his name, but I usually refer to him as "Hummer Man" because he drives to his real estate appointments in a big, ugly Hummer. And yes, I do judge people who drive Hummers. Add to it that he sports a brown bomber jacket, and he has "midlife crisis" written all over him.

Well, the first thing I noticed was there was a Prius parked on the corner and the hatch was open. Inside the car were all these Hummer Man real estate signs. "No way," I thought. "No freaking way." Right then, who should be crossing the street and coming toward me but Hummer Man himself! And yes, he got in the Prius and drove away. Now that's quite a reversal, don't you think?

I actually felt sort of giddy about Hummer Man changing his eco-trampling ways. The state of the world has had me feeling down a lot lately. I was cautiously hopeful when Obama was elected, but I feel like he's treading too cautiously, there is so much vitriol and opposition to change, and we are in for a long, hard recovery. So many of my friends have lost jobs or are struggling, and it's a very scary environment. So in a weird and small way, seeing Hummer Man in a Prius made me feel a little better about humanity.

Actually, seeing New Moon made me feel better about humanity, too -- because everyone heckled it! It was so, so bad. I'm glad to see that the teen girls who are its target audience don't take it too seriously (or maybe that's just jaded Chicago teens).

They know us too well

Tourists think Chicagoans are ugly, surly, and dumb.

Yes lady, you may rob me

Stopped in an odd little antiques shop in the 'hood today. Their hours sign actually says something like, "When furniture is on sidewalk, we're open." There was furniture on the sidewalk, so in I went. There was a vase in the window I'd been eyeing for awhile, so I asked how much it was. The owner was looking for a price (and I don't know why, but half the junk in there doesn't have a sticker). I noticed a sticker on the lip and pointed it out. "So, it's $15?" I asked.

She hesitated a minute, then started picking the sticker off and said, "That's how much I paid for it, so obviously it will have to be more." Then she tried to sell it to me for $30. A 100% markup! Is she totally insane? You don't take a price sticker off something then try to double its price. I think I'm done with that lunatic, although she does have some Tiki salt and pepper shakers for $2.50. Well, unless that was the price she paid for them or something.

I enjoy being a girl

I did a little shopping this morning. Jesus, was that traumatic. I had a gift card to Target so I hit it in hopes of finding some decent underwear and/or a dress or two. First off, why are so many of the bras these days padded to high heaven? As a friend of mine once said, that's false advertising. It's enough of a struggle to find something attractive, affordable, the right size, without boobs already in it, but as I grow older the other challenge is finding one that doesn't highlight my back fat. I tried on a few, all rejects, and a dress, which confirmed the two new trends at Target: the dresses are getting more expensive and more cheaply made at the same time. Yet again, I found a dress on which the zipper stuck on the waistline, where the fabric gets thicker. Apparently, the slaves in Pakistan that make these clothes for five cents a day aren't the best seamstreses... imagine. Tally: 1 bra (grabbed without trying on, and luckily it fits), 3 pairs of underpants, 1 pair of black tights, 1 hair gel. Not bad.

I decided to hit the mall while I was out, and I had better luck at Kohl's, where I got a great black dress for $20. I tried on a couple of others that looked great on the rack, but on an actual body looked like they were made for space aliens. One of them had a belt that fit right under your breasts. A boob belt. Why do such things exist? Tally: 1 black dress. Not good in terms of pieces, but, at $20, very good bargain-wise.

If you're already in the stupid mall in Lincolnwood, why not go to Carson's, right? They had some work-appropriate skirts (although, truth be told, at my job you could get away with wearing sweatpants), but there were two major problems: 1) no black ones, 2) they were "slimming" skirts. Yeah, I guess there's some sort of built-in control top or something, which, on a skirt, is just awful. I also tried on a few bras at Carson's and picked up a new boyfriend, Connor. I think he's three or four years old. He was with his mom in the dressing room next to mine and kept popping his head under the wall to see me topless. Little fucker. Tally: 0 purchases, 1 peepshow performed for underage male.

Uptown woman arrested after punching men (c****!) on Lake View L platform

FROM STNG WIRE REPORTS

An Uptown neighborhood woman was arrested for allegedly punching two men on a North Side L platform Sunday night in the Lake View neighborhood.

Nicole Patrick, 39, of the 1000 block of West Lawrence Avenue, was charged with simple battery, a misdemeanor, according to police.

The incident occurred at 6:50 p.m. at the CTA’s Belmont Red Line L station when Patrick allegedly called two men who were standing together on the platform “c----,’’ according to police.

Police said one of the men “took exception” to the statement and she punched him in the chest and scratched his neck. The other man came to his aid and she allegedly punched him in the nose, giving him a bloody nose, police said.

Both men declined medical treatment. Other citizens intervened and she was held there until police got her into custody.

Officers said she was intoxicated, combative and very aggressive.

It was her first arrest, according to police.

Sometimes I think this is the story of my life.

Paralysis through analysis

Today I was listening to Duran Duran on the way to work and was thinking how good the self-titled album they put out in the '90s was. I think it was John Taylor who said in an interview that the reason the album was so good was that they approached it as if it were their last. Marianne Faithfull has said the same thing about her masterpiece, Broken English. That got me thinking, why doesn't every recording artist approach each album as if it is their last? Obviously, going about things in that way presents a huge emotional commitment. But why put out music, or art of any kind, in which you don't have a major emotional investment? Of course, not everyone is going to make some heavy statement, but even for a pop act the logic works: Shouldn't the B-52's put out the best party album they can? And Michael Jackson consciously strived to put out the genre-crossing pop album with Thriller.

The danger in putting so much pressure on yourself, of course, is that you can end up with what Quincy Jones called "paralysis through analysis" -- his phrase for Michael Jackson's problem post-Thriller, when he fretted so much about doing something significant that he ended up not doing much of anything. I have this problem when I write. I dabble with fiction, then I figure it's not going to be Grapes of Wrath so why bother -- pretty self-defeatist, right? I also find it very difficult to write without editing myself as I go along, and those are supposed to be two separate processes. I've started writing a few poems again and trying not to worry too much about whether they're good. I'm trying to start another blog, too (which might replace rather than supplement this one; I don't know yet), but my biggest issue is finding the time. My life seems to be very busy lately, and mostly with things that aren't fulfilling. It might be time to discover the power of saying no.