Steal this advice

Last night while I was in bed, half asleep, a great title came to me: Dear Abbie Hoffman. On a lark, I posted it on Facebook and then got inspired to write a few letters, using actual quotes from Abbie for the answers. Here are the first efforts; who knows, there may be more sometime.

Dear Abbie Hoffman,

I am an editor of my high school's newspaper. The principal is trying to prevent us from running an editorial that criticizes his position on gay bullying. What should we do?

-First Amended

Sweet FA,

Remind your principal that free speech means the right to shout "theatre" in a crowded fire. But also remember that you should never impose your language on people you wish to reach.

Your pal,

Abbie

***

Dear Abbie Hoffman,

It is almost Thanksgiving. I know most people look forward to the holiday, but for me it's a source of anxiety. I am a vegetarian and my father is a die-hard meat-and-potatoes guy. How do I maintain peace at the dinner table without compromising my principles?

-Vexed Veggie

Dearest Vexed,

I believe in compulsory cannibalism. If people were forced to eat what they killed, there would be no more wars.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Abbie

***

Dear Abbie Hoffman,

What is with all the women who wear slutty Halloween costumes? I went to a party last weekend and I was the only female there who wore something scary. Isn’t Halloween the time to put vanity aside and go for something ghoulish?

-Scary Monster

Look baby,

Once you get the right image the details aren't that important. Take it from me: I was probably the only revolutionary referred to as cute.

Abbie H.

***

Dear Abbie Hoffman,

I work in a professional downtown office. One of my co-workers (I’ll call him Steve) has a problem with body odor. Steve works hard, is personable, and even dresses well. Since he otherwise seems well groomed, I wonder if his odor problem is due to faulty deodorant, a health issue, or something else beyond his control. Unfortunately, his desk is near mine and I find his pungent aroma distracting to say the least. Should I say something?

-This Job Stinks


Dear TJS,

When decorum is repression, the only dignity free men have is to speak out. Maybe you can offer Steve some patchouli.

Good luck,
Sweet-Smelling Abbie